Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – The Family


Farts (family Phartus) can be divided by their basic characteristics into two major sub-families: your farts and the farts of someone else.  These two sub-families are definite and do not overlap.  Even the most novice of fart students can usually tell into which of these two sub-families all farts will fall.

These two sub-families may be further divided into five broad divisions.  These divisions are not indeed exclusive, but rather, soft-edged, i.e., groups may overlap into regions of adjoining groups.  However, with a basic knowledge of the genera characteristics of each division, and a little perseverance and study, the ardent fart student can quickly acquire the skills necessary to distinguish one fart from another.

This might at first seem a trivial matter, but there are those who do not, in fact, know one fart from the next.  These people go through life thinking that a fart is a fart is a fart and remain oblivious to the very definite and obvious differences between each and every one.  Not so many years ago this same type of person was calling a cow a cow.  But through scientific research and study, along with public awareness, members of the Bovine family are known today – not simply as cows – but as Hereford, Angus, Jersey, Charolais, or whatever particular type of cow that cow may be.

This same thing can, and should, happen with the fart.  The Science of Phartology is only now in its infancy, but at a time not too distant, instead of someone asking, “Did you fart?” they will more than likely ask, “Did you just produce a phartus maximus?”

The following is a breakdown of the five main sub-divisions into which farts will fall, containing the individual characteristics of each division so that, through careful study, you will become adept at identifying each particular type.