Category Archives: Review

G2D2: Round 2 – Double Trouble

No, not this kind of double troubl
No, not this kind of double trouble.

This round’s contenders: Lemon Blueberry Smash & Back Porch Bourbon–Lemon Blue Berry Smash-360 Vodka, fresh smashed lemons & blueberries, soda and a splash of blueberry juice. Served on ice.–Back Porch Bourbon: Woodford Reserve Bourbon, raspberry liqueur, fresh raspberries, lime, cranberry juice & soda. Served on ice.

The REAL double trouble.
REAL double trouble. Back Porch right & LBB Smash right.

Lest I be derelict in my duties, I felt my long absence between G2D2 posts merited knocking back two drinks for round two. As seen from above, I like getting my fruit. Just because you might be drunk does not mean you should ignore nutritional guidelines. I should mention that my food pyramid has a pool in the basement called booze.

FDA Food Pyramid-Gonzo Modification

I picked up both of these bad boys at a local joint, The Anchor. Great place, great food, good beer and drinky-drink selections. On to the librations…my initial selection was the Back Porch Bourbon. Like drinking a Smurf with diabetes, it proved too damn sweet.

Brimley Smurf…dia-uh-BEETUS.

As I slogged through the sweetness, the movie that came to mind was a gem from 1989 “Ginger Ale Afternoon” starring Lisa Simpson (Yeardly Smith). I regularly consider this film as a possible selection for an epidose, but I just can pull trigger. By that I mean, if I watched the whole movie I would have to shoot myself. I think the trailer is just plenty thank you very much. Much like just a couple of sips of the Back Porch Bourbon. Now, it should be noted that the Gonzo Missus rather enjoyed the Back Porch Bourbon over her drink, the aforementioned, Lemon Blueberry Smash. It was determined a swap was in order. Following a successfully executed drink switcheroo, I found a drink much more to my liking. The Lemon Blueberry Smash was nice and Vodka strong, but not overly sweet. I imagine a couple of them would knock me on my Gonzo ass, but I would feely immensely refreshed as I crashed to the ground on said posterior. Movie-wise, I put it on par with any of those emotion twisting dog movies they show you as a child. You think it is a nice little story about a kid and their pet, but by the end the dog is dead, rabid, or otherwise replaced. Take your pick from Old Yeller, Sounder, My Dog Skip, and to a lesser extent Cujo. Feel free to picture any traumatizing film from your childhood as an equivalent to having too many of these. Overall, I would elect to have a couple of these and risk the ass bruise. Just to tasty and refreshing. Now if you excuse me, I need to go form a lasting bond with a dog and then remind myself that I will more than likely outlive my four-legged friend. Someone get me a Lemon Blueberry Smash…cheap new balance trainers

G2D2: Round 1-The Parkwood

Solerno Blood Orange Liqueur, Old Forester Classic Bourbon, lemon wedges, mint.
Solerno Blood Orange Liqueur, Old Forester Classic Bourbon, lemon wedges, mint.

Found this little gem at a joint called “The Hill” here in the wilds of Wichita. A tasty little libation, but with just a little umph’ behind it…like the kick of a geriatric mule. I feel like it is the drink of a charmingly evil, southern gentleman enjoys as he plots to defame the town’s do-gooder sheriff.  I am also pretty sure Joe Don Baker probably drinks A LOT of these.

He stole that cat from his neighbor after his fifth Parkwood.
He stole that cat from his neighbor after his fifth Parkwood.

The next question is what film would I watch as I drink this beauty? Obviously it would be Mitchell, but that is the easy answer. In the land of Gonzo Guys, we don’t do easy…we do odd.

The Gonzo answer is without a shadow of a doubt is…

“Hanzo the Razor: Who’s Got the Gold?”

Hanzo will probably have the gold by the end.
Hanzo will probably have the gold by the end.

If you haven’t seen this gem from Japan, you are missing out. One of a series of samurai detective stories, the movies are all pretty good little mystery-action mash ups…with one twist. Hanzo tortures his man parts regularly to become the ultimate lover to aid in him gaining information from women. Basically he pours hot and cold water over his junk and then he bangs a burlap sack of rice. He also has a seductive rustic hot tub with a hidden pokey weapons panel. I need to stress that the plots and most aspects of these movies are quite good even without the weird schwantz torture. Now back to how The Parkwood made me think of this movie. Basically it is a sophisticated drink that has a bite and twist to it. Hanzo the Razor is a sophisticated film with a dongy twist. Also appropriate is the inclusion of blood orange liqueur as Hanzo spills a lot of blood with this kick ass spiked ball chain thing. I see my glass is now empty, better order round 2.

New Regular Column: Gonzo Girl Drink Drunk (G2D2)

Here at the Gonzo Guys network we work primarily in making sillies about motion pictures. While that is all well and good, we all like to tiptoe around the edges of the regular world and see what makes it tick. I, in particular, have become quite fond of beverages known as “girl drinks.”

girl-drinks-24What is a “girl drink” you say? It sounds sexist, you say? Well I don’t know that fruity, sweet, or otherwise fancy-pants named boozed up bevies really are important enough to carry any kind of political heft. If you are indeed bothered the term “girl drink” you may take solace in that I, more often than not, will simply refer to these entries as G2D2. Both to avoid any unnecessary controversy and because it reminds me of Star Wars which makes me feel warm in my tum tum. I would  also note that many a fine fella enjoys the aforementioned sweetly titled and tasty libations. Basically, any drink at any given time could be considered both a guy and a girl drink. Drinks are scientifically hermaphroditic by default. Where did the impetus for this column originate, you ask? Have look-see at the clip below:[youtube][/youtube]

I think it is quite obvious a column was needed. In the coming days, weeks, years, & eons, look for succinct (or unwieldy wordy) write ups of various kinds of tarted up hooch. I promise tangents galore and many comic and film references. I am even going to review a drink otherwise fictional until Gonzo Mike cooked up a recipe…the Chocolate Choo Choo. If you don’t get that reference, you skipped the video you monster!

Look for the inaugural write up this week. Keep an eye out in the coming weeks for the mind bending, earth shattering, spellbinding take on the now immortal Chocolate Choo Choo!

Even More On Abby

Just one section of interpretation is not enough.


Settle into your parlors this is about to get real.  I give you:

Abby 2: A Poem in the Key of Notes

Abby 2 (These notes can be poetry?)

Long George- she is pretty damn terrifying – music is scary

Whooped Emmet’s ass

Is she possessed or just really honest without much tact?

2nd call, Mr. Compassion Dad is just oh OK well give her my best about the killing….

CAT scan looked more like an amusement park ride

Is it bad that the cursing demon made me laugh?

Yours in Gonzo,


A Poetic Interpretation of “Abby”

How best to sum up a blaxsploitation Exorcist knock-off? The timeless, parlor art of poetry….

Abby 1 (a speculative deconstruction)

Theeees us- and he calls her a dummy

People over the top nice to one another

Chicken self mutilation/ scary ass nails

Screeching steam shower

Call to dad in Nigeria, thanks for nothing you ass

I am not your ho

Foot to the nuts, think I would prefer projectile green vomit- maniac laughter


Go hence from my parlor!

It’s A Murder Party…Ala Lester Bangs


It is a Saturday afternoon and I am hustling and bustling at my job. I am trying to improve my stature in life and I guess that means hauling it in on a day off. No problem, at least I don’t have to wear pants to the office. I am taking a break not to surf the web but to drop some content.

Now one of my favorite writers is Lester Bangs ( I know how cliché can a guy get) who was the best music writer to rarely write about music. He was fast (sometimes on speed, ok most times) and cranked out a lot of things. Well I am inspired at the moment (not on speed; drugs are bad) and feel I can flash fiction/Lester Bangs about a movie watched. That is what we are about, movies. Well movies and silliness but movies. Shot clock starts now 1:41 PM GO!!!  I have a huge man crush on Jeremy Gardner and I believe that most of my co-workers and friends/family are tired of me recommending The Battery to them. Hell, I have offered to pay the $5 purchase fee as I adore this film.

The-Battery-Poster So this blathering is not about The Battery (not yet) but a recommended film from Jeremy Gardner from his Twitter account. Yes I am embarrassed by this, I am embarrassed that I recently said out loud “shit he is so cool” when looking at a recent post.

I am old too old to chase certain creative dreams, who am I anyhow (probably a fan boy for Gardener ugh)? But I hope to follow his career and I have to say it bummed me out when I heard he works at a restaurant. It is an unfair world when Clayton Kershaw is getting $9,000 per inning, but it is just as lame that Jeremy Gardner is polishing silver ware and waiting tables. So he shot a pic of some movies he picked up on Twitter and Murder Party was in the photo. I trust a guy who made a great film and I always like a recommendation no matter if it is personal or thru the interwebs.

murder Murder Party turned out to be a wonderful film. I have to admit the opening credit sequence kind of made me nervous. It kind of looked cheap and I started to worry what I had gotten into to. Looking back, I watched it again and it had more legs than I thought. You see the hero giving parking tickets and it helps hint how he is one of the many weary lonely men of these times.

Basic run down is a lonely nerdy guy finds an invitation on his sad walk home. It is for a Murder Party. He gets home and prepares to settle in on Halloween night with some horror movies and candy. He suddenly decides what the hell and heads to the party after making pumpkin bread and constructing a cardboard costume. Later in extras it is referred to as the Brown Knight costume. He follows the address and the party is at a nasty grungy warehouse and does not look like a party. OK so I am not going to just re-cap this film, why read when you can watch and you should watch.

Out of the gate though there are some surprises and creepy characters. It moves nicely and has some truly funny “I did not see that coming” moments. The acting for the most part is good. I was restless this morning and this movie really drew me in. I enjoyed the hell out of it. But one of the biggest surprises is I watched the extras which I make a point not to do these days. They did a good job adding some fun things to it, a pumpkin bread recipe and how to make the Brown Knight Costume

However, what grabbed me, and I normally hate this feature, was the making of feature. In it you find out that this is a group of friends who grew up together. They had a lot of clips of them as young kids making their own VHS movies. There are some hilarious scenes involving homemade blood and ladyfingers.

It made me like Murder Party even more. This was a work of love from a group of old friends doing what they love to do. I feel that we have a second sense in ourselves as to what is genuine and what vibe is created and put out through art.

 Big budget films can feel so hollow, hollow like professional sports. Movie casts can often just be someone’s idea of their dream team and the story is secondary. With Murder Party you can feel the fun they had in making this film.

OK? OK… one minute left yikes can I ramble. Rent or hell buy Murder Party, watch the extras and feel the vibe of the end product, of people who love horror films, and each other.