Phartus Minimus
This is more commonly know as the lightweight or Mini Fart. It is usually identified by its short duration and low noise level. Hoerver, this particular variety should not be confused with the Silent But Deadly variety (see phartus anonymous).
The phartus minimus has a minimal atmospheric effect and a very low OOU, or Offensive Olfactory Unit, count (see Figure 1). If your hearing is poor, this particular variety may pass unnoticed.
Phartus minimus is usually produced in abundance by children, gynecologists, parakeets, large insects, small rodents, chihuahuas, Afghan hounds, cats of all types (Assuming they have not used up their nine fart embryos. See phartus felinus, page 33.), scientists, hairdressers, ballerinas, male strippers, Sunday school teachers, accountants, clerks, ministers, florists, and little old ladies. They are most prevalent in churches, elevators, and aboard common carriers.
Phartus Phartus
Phartus phartus is the average or ordinary, everyday variety. It is higher in volume than the phartus minimus, usually longer in duration, and produces a higher level of OOU’s. It is easily identified by sound at close range and is mildly offensive.
Phartus phartus is produced most often by white collar workers, housewives, mail carriers, secretaries, door to door salesmen, game show hosts, late night television talk show hosts, electricians, carpenters, concrete finsihers, roofers, doctors, attorneys, police officers, artists, musicians, comedians, clerks, coin collectors, small monkeys, Labrador retrievers, professional golfers, tennis players, philatelists, and little old ladies.
Phartus Maximus
Phartus maximus is also known as the Macho Fart. It is clearly audible, characterized by a rumbling sound, and highly offensive. It usually produces a burning sensation in the eyes of those in close proximity. Phartus maximus have been known to stain finer fabrics.
Phartus maximus is most often produced by truck drivers, hookers, cowboys, cowboys’ horses, plumbers, weight lifters, junk car dealers, heavy equipment operators, wrestlers, mechanics, truck stop waitresses, elephants, St. Bernards, and little old ladies.
