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Uncle Mike's Original Fart Book

Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Phartus Botanicus, Somnious, Humorous, and Domesticus

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PHARTUS BOTANICUS

The phartus botanicus, or Yard Fart, occurs outdoors. It is commonly associated with menial tasks such as mowing the lawn, raking leaves, cleaning gutters, spreading fertilizer, etc. It is usually of the phartus phartus variety. This type is closely associated with the phartus botanicus mobilus which is identical in characteristics but falls under the phartus mobilus species.

PHARTUS SOMNIOUS

Also known as the Sleeping Fart, this type occurs during sleep and is usually unnoticed by the producer. It is commonly reported however in dormitories, military barracks, and on camping outings.

PHARTUS HUMOROUS

The Laughing Fart occurs during periods of hysterical laughter. It is uncontrollable and usually develops in a spiral fart loop, i.e., the laughter produces the fart, which causes more laughter, which produces another fart, which causes more laughter, etc., etc.

PHARTUS DOMESTICUS

This is the common Housewife Fart. It is usually experienced during such activities as ironing, cleaning the oven, vacuuming, washing dishes, making beds, reading the newspaper or using the Johnny mop. It is usually of the phartus phartus variety.

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Uncle Mike's Original Fart Book

Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Phartus Majoris, Post Majoris, and Cellulous

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PHARTUS MAJORIS

This is one of the most common types of phartus staticus and is usually known as the Dinner Fart.  The output will usually reflect the producer’s lunch intake.  It has been cited as the cause of many family arguments, but should be noted that the phartus majoris is, in fact, not more than a scapegoat for a more deeply rooted family problem. Continue reading Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Phartus Majoris, Post Majoris, and Cellulous →

Uncle Mike's Original Fart Book

Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – The Stationary Fart (Pharticus Staticus)

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The following are the most common varieties of the stationary fart. The list has been compiled from years of research and study and does not, in fact, contain each and every possible variety. It does, however, contain the most often reported types and is therefore as usable a reference as is available at this time. Continue reading Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – The Stationary Fart (Pharticus Staticus) →

Gonzo

Booger Darts

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The hot, dry season in Texas, yes we only have one season down here, led me to a massive discovery that I now must share with you.  And my what a lovely opportunity as well.  Of all the searches of all the Googles, I’ve yet to find any information on this so it’s my job to show you what I’m talking about.  Oh, “What is it?”, you say?  It’s Booger Darts. Continue reading Booger Darts →

Uncle Mike's Original Fart Book

Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Note

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NOTE:

It should be noted that the phartus domesticus, or Housewife Fart, is oderless. No wives produce any farts that smell. This is a well know n fact and should be here noted. However, it should be noted that divorced women will occasionally produce what is known as the phartus domesticus separatus. This variety will have an odor. Also, women who have been married twice have known to produce the phartus domesticus II version. This variety, too, has an odor. Continue reading Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Note →

Uncle Mike's Original Fart Book

Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Phartus Interruptus and Phartus Whisperus

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PHARTUS INTERRUPTUS

The Parted Fart, as it is commonly known, is a special category and will fall into one of the five broad classifications above.  This strange phenomenon occurs when a fart is produced in two or more short bursts, each appearing to be individual and separate.  This may indeed be the case.

Continue reading Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Phartus Interruptus and Phartus Whisperus →

Uncle Mike's Original Fart Book

Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Phartus Extremis And Phartus Anonymous

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PHARTUS EXTREMIS

The Super Fart as it is commonly know, phartus extremis is easily audible even at distances approaching 25 feet.  Phartus extremis will not support human or animal life and should not be produced in confined areas or near heat or flame.  Insects in close proximity are usually asphyxiated and some damage to foliage has been reported on occasion. Continue reading Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Phartus Extremis And Phartus Anonymous →

Uncle Mike's Original Fart Book

Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Phartus Minimus, Phartus, And Maximus

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Phartus Minimus

This is more commonly know as the lightweight or Mini Fart. It is usually identified by its short duration and low noise level. Hoerver, this particular variety should not be confused with the Silent But Deadly variety (see phartus anonymous). Continue reading Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Phartus Minimus, Phartus, And Maximus →

Uncle Mike's Original Fart Book

Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – The Family

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Farts (family Phartus) can be divided by their basic characteristics into two major sub-families: your farts and the farts of someone else.  These two sub-families are definite and do not overlap.  Even the most novice of fart students can usually tell into which of these two sub-families all farts will fall. Continue reading Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – The Family →

Uncle Mike's Original Fart Book

Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Definition Of Terms

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Before an in depth study of any subject may begin, a clear and concise definition of terms must be rendered. Let us refer first to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, copyright 1971 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Therein we find the following entry: Continue reading Uncle Mike’s Original Fart Book – Definition Of Terms →